Written By: Geoff Kreller, CRCM, CERP
Humans thrive on emotional connection. Our world, while increasingly interconnected through the internet and social media, actually feels more disconnected, isolated and lonely at a personal level[1]. This environment has given rise to a particularly damaging form of fraud – the romance scam. In addition to the financial cost of the fraud itself, a romance scam can be incredibly destructive to a person’s faith, trust, and emotional health.
While family members and close friends might recognize signs that a loved one is the victim of a romance scam, it’s very tricky to convince someone you love (like your grandma) that they’re being conned. Once we’ve decided that someone deserves our trust, it’s hard to shift away from that perspective, regardless of whether we’re in a fictional or toxic relationship. There’s confirmatory bias at work – we will cognitively dismiss things that don’t fit into our existing narrative and only focus on the things that match within those established beliefs.
Convincing someone to leave a toxic relationship (scam or otherwise) may also present a complex challenge because those individuals may be in denial about the severity of the situation, are afraid of being alone, or continue to cling to the belief that their relationship will end with a “happily ever after”[2]. There is an intense realization if what you’re saying is true - your grandma might feel ashamed for being conned, upset at losing money, and come face-to-face with the reality that the emotional attachment she’s had for months is completely gone. The combined feelings of fear, anger, loneliness, shame, and loss may be too overwhelming to acknowledge the reality of their situation.
Beyond maintaining emotional connections with family members and friends that allows for an open and honest dialog about new love interests, proactively discussing the warning signs of romance scams is a great foundational step. It’s also important to recognize scammers identify vulnerable people based on their posts online, whether it’s a breakup, a divorce, or a death in the family. If your family has experienced a recent loss, it’s worth revisiting these signs together.
Romance Scam Signs
Because of the prevalence of romance scams, many of these signs are highlighted by the AARP[3], FTC[4], and FBI[5].
The relationship started over a wrong number text.
If you met through a dating site, the perpetrator quickly asked for another way to communicate outside of that platform.
You feel like you’ve met your soulmate.
They live far away and can’t meet in person. They might say they’re living outside the country, in the military, or working internationally (or more recently, on an oil rig).
They are constantly in contact with you, lavishing attention from the first thing in the morning to the last thing at night. The scammer “love bombs” their target to get them emotionally hooked before making financial requests.
You make plans to meet, but something comes up at the last minute.
They need money and you’re the only one who can help (or that “you’re the only one they can trust”).
They ask for money due to an emergency – a medical problem, a legal crisis, a business disaster, or a visa dispute.
They’ll ask you to send money using a method that is difficult to trace or reverse – Western Union, MoneyGram, or cryptocurrency.
They ask you to put money on gift cards (Amazon, Google Play, Steam) and give them the PIN codes to redeem the value.
They present an “investment” opportunity, such as cryptocurrency, land or real estate.
Best Conversational Practices
These conversations are not easy. Your patience, calmness, and emotional energy will all be tested. Ultimately, your mindfulness will govern your success – having the ability to be fully present, being aware of what both you and your grandma are feeling, and having the capacity to avoid overreaction will take you a long way toward breaking through a romance scam. Creating a supportive atmosphere through shared discovery will help break down the defensive barriers necessary to move through and beyond such a harmful relationship.
Shouting the signs above at your loved one or saying things like “you’ve obviously fallen for a scam”, “how naïve can you be”, or “clearly, this isn’t a real person” will immediately put your grandma on the defensive. Much like parents telling their 13-year old not to date someone actually pushes those two closer together, the “us against the world” mentality is a powerful tool that scammers will use to drive a deeper wedge between the target and their family.
To gain perspective, consider a time when you were deeply affected by the loss of a favorite fictional character from a television show, movie, or video game in which you’ve emotionally invested. Think about how soul-crushing it was to watch Gemma (Sons of Anarchy), Mufasa (The Lion King), Rue (The Hunger Games), Dobby (Harry Potter), Boromir (The Lord of the Rings), Glen (The Walking Dead), Titus (Final Fantasy X) or another beloved character leave the story and your life. The feelings of loss, sadness, depression are no less profound when we’ve invested in the story, and it’s hard (if not impossible) to imagine the story going on without them.
It’s also important to remember that your grandma has a lot of company. Romance scams are pervasive - consumers reported losing more than $1.14 billion to romance scams in 2024[6] (and there are assuredly many more cases that are never reported to authorities). More broadly, we’ve all fallen for something that was too good to be true or done something “in the name of love” – we are not infallible creatures. No one goes through life without experiencing situations where your emotions overrode all forms of logic. Love itself is a lot of things – blind, beautiful, powerful – but love is far from logical. Love can lead us to do wonderful, mysterious, thoughtful and spectacularly ridiculous things in support of our relationships.
1. Talk about your concerns as if this were a “real” relationship; validate their feelings.
To your grandma, remember that this has felt real for weeks or months. They’ve invested substantial time and effort nurturing what they believed to be a genuine and intimate relationship. It doesn’t matter that the person isn’t real; these situations have emotional parallels to real relationships – especially relationships that are toxic and abusive.
The sudden realization of betrayal and the shattering of trust can evoke profound feelings of loss and grief. Your loved one is not just grappling with the end of a relationship but also with the devastating realization that the connection they cherished was built on deceit. Moreover, the embarrassment stemming from being deceived and manipulated adds another layer of complexity to their emotional turmoil[7]. It will be much easier for your grandma to face that reality over time with your compassion, love, and support.
Using reassuring and validating responses may comfort and empower them to recognize the reality of their situation, including that they are not alone[8].
That sounds frustrating.
I’m not surprised to hear you feel that way, given everything you’re going through.
You’re allowed to be upset.
You say it’s not that bad, but everything you’ve been sharing with me would make me feel sad, scared and upset, too.
I know you feel like you’ve brought this on, somehow, but I promise you: you did nothing to deserve any of this. You deserve to be treated with love, respect, and care.
2. Relate to their emotions through your own relationships and experiences.
We can all relate and empathize with the intensive feelings of a romance scam. Whether it was a whirlwind romance, a relationship that felt like an emotional roller coaster with intense highs and lows, or a toxic relationship you had to work yourself out of, you’ve experienced many of the emotions your grandma is feeling within the romance scam.
Being relatable and vulnerable is always a great way to engender trust and deeper sharing. Be honest about your experiences, including that it was difficult to take your friend’s advice, or that there were red flags that you dismissed, and about the fears you had if and when the relationship came to an end.
3. Nothing says “I love you” like doing a background check together.
Parents consistently vet potential suitors for their children out of love, online dating sites offer verification services, and we consistently exist in a universe of “trust but verify”. Besides, it is genuinely fun and engaging to find more information about the ones we love.
Ask questions like “what does he like to do for fun” or “how did you meet”, and leverage that information to encourage your grandma (“I would love to see some pictures, let’s see if he has a Facebook page”) to perform some searches on social media, search engines, and reverse imaging.
4. Be mindful and avoid harsh judgments.
Understand and acknowledge that we are all imperfect human beings. We make mistakes, even in our judgment of people. Emotions, interpretations, and this experience of love are not inherently logical[9]. Resist the temptation to exaggerate or impose your feelings on the relationship; let the facts speak for themselves.
Instead of asking whether your grandma “knows” this person (which will invariably lead to a defensive response), consider the following questions instead:
How do you feel about the relationship?
When will you meet the person you’re dating online in person?
Have they made promises that they broke?
Have you thought about journaling your relationship journey, both the highs and the lows?
How do you feel when you go back to review some of your past conversations?
Have you made any video calls? Do you need help setting video chats up on your computer?
Have you ever talked with them live?
Why not get on the phone with them to find out more about their situation before sending money?
If this is the love of your life, would you want to meet them in person? Could I help you plan a trip to see them or fly here for a visit?
If you had a son or daughter in the same situation as you are now, what would you want them to do just to be sure that the person is who they say they are?[10]
5. It’s not just one conversation, it’s a journey.
Beyond the fact that it will take time for your grandma to recognize the reality of the situation, the scammer may still be communicating with them during this time, portraying you as dishonest, nosy, jealous, or envious of their relationship.
Maintaining your resolve, resiliency, and mindfulness throughout the journey is crucial to building the trust and support required to break a romance scam’s hold. It’s important during this time to maintain your emotional and physical availability – becoming emotionally distant or unavailable during this vulnerable time will make it incredibly difficult for your grandma to make a leap of faith away from this relationship.
6. Listen.
Someone you love and care about is headed for heartbreak and will feel taken advantage of – the last thing they need to hear is “I told you so”. Being taken advantage of by a romance scam is often the symptom caused by something else – a family loss, a divorce, losing a close friend, or being diagnosed with a life-threatening ailment. All of these events can easily cause isolation, loneliness, depression, and despair.
Your grandma might say that she felt alone because no one comes to visit, no one calls to check on her, or she no longer has the ability to drive to see her friends. Validate and accept her feelings as genuine, and don’t go on the defensive. Instead of viewing that sentiment as an accusation or indictment, consider it an opportunity for your family to schedule more regular interactions with your grandma, or to find ways in which grandma’s friends can get together more frequently.
No matter how your grandma feels or what she has to say, be reassuring that they are loved unconditionally by you and others and take your grandma’s feedback and feelings to heart.
7. Support them after they’ve cut off the relationship
The journey doesn’t stop after the scammer’s phone number is blocked and the relationship ends. The feelings of loss, loneliness, fear, and isolation will continue to persist well after grandma disconnects from her scammer. Encourage them to come out and spend time with family or friends or pick them up and go out to dinner and watch a movie. Schedule family nights and prioritize these times with your loved ones.
It might be valuable to introduce your grandma to verified meetup and support groups which offer the opportunity for in-person engagement, social outings, and chances to connect with people with common interests. In certain cases, it may be worthwhile to consider a therapist or family counselor, especially if there is deeply rooted sadness, despair, or isolation stemming from past events.
It is important to notify the dating or social media application on which they met, and to report the case to local law enforcement and the state attorney general. Because of the prevalence and destructive nature of romance scams, the FTC and FBI actively follow up on reported cases of fraud.
This will feel like a bad break-up…because it was a bad break-up. The attachment was real, and so will the disappointment, anger, shame, sadness and fear that comes after. Be mindful of how you might feel in a similar circumstance and be there for grandma in a time when she needs you the most. While it might be difficult, reporting the incident might be the thing that prevents another grandma from going through the same series of events.
Summary
A romance scam is one of the most insidious frauds one can perpetrate. Not only does it expose vulnerable people to financial loss, romance scams can be emotionally devastating. While familial and close relationships can help detect romance scams, the emotional hold these scams have can be incredibly difficult to break. Being able to mindfully start an open and honest dialog with grandma and maintain that resilience, compassion and empathy well beyond the end of the relationship will give her the support and love she needs to begin recovering from such a devastating event.
Follow NAQF on LinkedIn for additional insights. For more information on how NAQF can help your organization with fraud risk, detection, or training, contact us at contact@naqf.org.
Article References
[1] https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20250107-why-do-i-feel-so-lonely-even-though-im-surrounded-by-people
[2] https://relationshipreports.com/how-to-convince-someone-to-leave-a-toxic-relationship/
[3] https://www.aarp.org/money/scams-fraud/romance/
[4] https://consumer.ftc.gov/articles/what-know-about-romance-scams
[5] https://www.fbi.gov/how-we-can-help-you/scams-and-safety/common-frauds-and-scams/romance-scams
[6] https://www.rd.com/article/romance-scams/
[7] https://fightcybercrime.org/blog/how-to-approach-a-loved-one-involved-in-a-romance-scam/
[8] https://www.wikihow.com/Convince-Someone-to-Leave-an-Abusive-Relationship
[9] https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/ways-to-help-a-friend-in-a-bad-relationship
[10] https://www.kiplinger.com/personal-finance/your-loved-one-fell-for-a-romance-scam-what-not-to-do
